Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.
Good judgment comes from experience... and most of that comes from bad judgment
I fish therefore I lie
Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh
Does dark have a speed too?
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
I'm back by popular demand
A clear conscience is usually a sign of bad memory.
You can fool some of the people all the time, and that's enough to make you rich
I'm the product of a secret government project
Humpty Dumpty was pushed
If you won't listen to reason, will you listen to a lame excuse?
It's bad luck to be superstitious
Flying saucers are real. The Air Force doesn't exist
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I don't need therapy, I need money
Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool
If a pig flies, don't criticize it for not staying up long
Just 2,852,677 more days till I start caring what you think
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
One who knows how will always have a job working for one how knows why.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste
I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it
I'm not hyperactive; the universe s hyperslow
Trust in God, but lock your car
The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
You can't have everything; where would you put it?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
On the other hand you have different fingers
I have an IQ in the top 2%. Who cares about the other 95%? 
Being a princess is a full time job
Aliens smart enough to visit Earth would be smart enough not to
Sex is hereditary. If your parents didn't have it neither will you
This truck has been in fifteen accidents... and hasn't lost one yet
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
Now that we got the genetic code mapped out, will it explain women?
Despite the high cost of living,have you noticed it remains so popular?
Who died and made you Darth Vader?
Imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement
Friends helps you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Would somebody please poke holes in the top of my jar
Give ambiguity or give something else.
A women has the last word in any argument. What a man says after that is the start of a new argument
You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.
Driver carries no cash - he's married
You can't have everything, where would put it?
It only seems kinky the first time
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
I do what the voices in my wife's head tell me
Save the Whales.  Collect the whole set
Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
Iv'e had a great time... but this wasn't it
Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once
Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
Keep you butt in the car.  The Earth is not your ashtray
The favorite tie attracts the gravy
It's time to pull over and change the air in your head
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Veni Vidi Velcro I came, I saw, I stuck
I do work for food
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
A closed mouth gathers no feet
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
I have nothing against God, it's his followers that I can't stand
One day your Prince will come.  Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions
There are some days even my lucky underpants can't help
Friends don't let friends drive naked
Nuke the Whales.
It's easier to stay out of trouble then to get out
When the chips are down the Buffalo is empty
I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to work
Curse You Pizza! Why must you taste so good?
Taxation with representation isn't so great either
I have no desire for money. It's the stuff I want
I'm not bossy, I just know what you should be doing.
Perfection, as a concept is inherently flawed
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
I'd love to trade caller I.D. for caller I.Q.
Why do psychics have to ask your name?
If a man says something in the woods and no one's there to hear it, is he still wrong?
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I'm 33 1/3 RPM in an iPod world. 
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it
What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?
What is this Bizarroland?
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial
Gee, I'd like to care, but I don't possess that gene
The trouble with life is there's no background music
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
My mood ring says: Back Off!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
On the other hand you have different fingers.
I'll rise, but I won't shine
You probably don't recognize me without the cape.
Few women admit their age. Few men act it
Your village called - they're missing an idiot
Ambivalent? Well yes and no....
I wasn't using my civil liberties anyway
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
I'd live up to my potential if it didn't cut into my sitting-around time
You are reinforcing my inherent mistrust of strangers
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am
Chaos, Panic, and Disorder. My work here is done
Forget about World Peace, Visualize using your turn signal
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?
I work forty hours a week to be this poor
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Closed minds always seem to be connected to open mouths
Very Funny Scotty, Now beam down my clothes
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
I must hurry for there they go and I am their leader
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
I intend to live forever. So far so good.
Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
I didn’t use to finish sentences, but now I
I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
Evolution: True science fiction.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
Hukt awn fonix wurkt fur mee
I'd like to help you out, Which way did you come in?
HELP! I'm on my cell phone and can't hang up
To err is human, to forgive divine, neither is Marine Corp policy
You can fool some of the people all of the time... and thats enough to make you rich
Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?
PURITANISM: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, might be happy
Keep on working millions of people on welfare are depending on you
Anything worth doing should have been done by now
Well-Behaved women don't make history
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name the streets after them
Never answer a anonymous letter.
Caution: I know Karate (and several other Japanese words)
I married Miss Right (before I knew her first name was Always)
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
The "Marriage Penalty" has nothing to do with taxes
Sex on television can't hurt unless you fall off
It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
Can't spell worth a shirt
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
The more people I know, the more I love my dog
The way to man's heart is through his sternum
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
He who hesitates is probably right
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
If you can't beat 'em arrange to have them beaten
The key to any relationship is sincerity. Once you can fake that, the rest is easy
Woman who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer
I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous
I think you left the stove on.
Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
I'm with the band
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant
Good. Fast. Cheap. Choose two
Follow you dreams. (Except the one where your at school in your underwear.)
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
My mind is made up. Please don't confuse me with the facts
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention
Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it
Tell Me, where is this bright side you speak of?
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking
What is there where no hypothetical questions?
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
I'm looking forward to regretting this
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure
Grow your own dope, plant a man
You deserve what you accept
Why can't I be rich and good looking?
I'm not a Complete Idiot. Some parts are missing
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups
I've seen normal. It ain't pretty
It's easier to get forgiveness than permission
Don't judge a book by its movie
Don't you think hard work must've killed someone?
They told me I was gullible, and I believed them
If you aren't completely appalled, then you haven't been paying attention
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
I'm going off to find myself. If you see me before I get back, please let me know where I'll be
Celebrity in training
Cancer cures smoking
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice
Don't Steal. The government hates competition
DNA: National Dyslexic Association
I think, therefore I'm dangerous
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely
Always remember plunder first, then burn!
Where are we going, and why are we in a handbasket?
If you want a puppy, start by asking for a pony
If it has tires or testicles, it's gonna give you problems
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
Of course I'm out of my mind, it's dark and scary in there!
Bob is my copilot
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
When it rains cats and dogs, don't step in a poodle
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you!
Change is inevitable except for vending machines
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
The Buck doesn't even slow down here
So who tested Preparations A through G?
A fool and his money are my best friends
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain
The best way to save face is to keep the lower part of it shut
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
5 out of 4 people have a problem with fractions
I am the man from Nantucket
Give me ambiguity or give me something else
Radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives
Don't make me crush your pathetic little civilization
An eye for an eye... leaves the whole world blind
D.A.R.E. to keep cops off donuts.
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up
The early bird get the worm, but the second mouse get the cheese             
Even if the voices arn't real, they have some good ideas
Take a bite out of crime (it tastes like chicken)
My job is so secret even I don't know what it is
People usually deserve each other
I'm a PBS mind in an MTV world
He who laughs last thinks slowest
It's not the fall that hurts, it's that sudden stop at the end
Mafia Staff Car
I'm not antisocial. I just hate being with people
Keep the Earth clean it isn't Uranus
I've had it with reality now I want my Fairy Godmother!
Delightfully tacky yet unrefined
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague
99 percent of the lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame
Borrow money from a pessimist--they don't expect it back.
Birds of a feather flock together -- and poop on your car
I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
I march to the beat of my own accordion
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
The speed of time is one second per second
That's me in a nutshell. (Would somebody please help me out?)
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful
There's one in every crowd... and they always find me!
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism
Beer -- helping white people dance since 1837
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Zero to Bitch in 3.5 seconds
Stop the Damn Profanity
Everyone is entitled to my opinion
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for getting it done
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I may not be very smart but I can lift heavy things
Forgive and forget... But keep a list of the names
All generalizations are false!
My life is full of unsuffered consequences
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
You can fool some of the people all of the time... and those are the one to concentrate on
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
Eliminate and abolish redundancy
National Atheist's Day: April 1st.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist
Go On.  I'll see you at the next traffic light
I'm nicer in person
Nonconformists are not all alike
All generalizations are false.
Don't Drink and Derive. Alcohol and calculus don't mix
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after
What if the Hokey-Pokey is what it's all about?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working!
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished
Adults are just kids who owe money
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
My favorite memories are of the past
They have an opening for you in the Witness Protection Program
I intend to live forever. So Far So Good
Subvert the Dominant Paradigm
I'm the kind of person I want to stay away from
Guess where I'm pierced
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity
Madness takes its toll, Please have exact change
Join the IRS - be audit you can be
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder
Reality Bites!... and I have the teeth marks to prove it!
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips
People would rather be wrong than different
Due to recent cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off
Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject
WARNING! I don't remember anything before coffee
Pride is what we have, vanity is what others have
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
Childern need your presence more that your presents
The road to success is under construction
If money could talk it would say goodbye
If you can't say something nice about a person you've come to the right place
What we learn from history is that we fail to learn from history
Our drinking team has a football problem
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Everyone smiles in the same language
Next year, vacation in hell... and comming back to work won't seem so bad
My freedom is more important than your good idea
Mediocre people are always are their best
The beginning of wisdom is silence
Dipomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
Proudly serving my corporate masters
Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly and for the same reason
Todays subliminal message is:                
The problem with sex in the movies is that your popcorn usually spills
I can handle pain until it hurts.
No matter where you go, you're there.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
It's been Monday all week.
Gravity always gets me down.
This statement is false.
Eschew obfuscation.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
The word "gullible" isn’t in the dictionary.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
A day without sunshine is like, night.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Life is too complicated in the morning.
We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die.
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.
Beyond good and evil lies North Dakota. 
Anything I do is purely coincidental. 
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down. 
Make headlines! Use a cordoroy pillow! 
Refuse Novacaine... Transcend Dental Medication. 
Quote of the moment:
My desk is final proof of Chaos theory.... 
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!
If something is confidential, it'll be left in the copier. 
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Sanity is back-ordered. Sarcasm is in unlimited supply.