Oscar Wilde@Moderation is a fatal thing. . . . Nothing succeeds like excess.
Oscar Wilde@Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde@Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.
Oscar Wilde@Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women like to be a man's last romance.
Oscar Wilde@The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Oscar Wilde@Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde@One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
Oscar Wilde@If man was meant to be nude, he would have been born that way.
Oscar Wilde@Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Oscar Wilde@A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
Oscar Wilde@A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Oscar Wilde@A pessimist is one who, when he has a choice of two evils, chooses both.
Oscar Wilde@The cynic k@ows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Oscar Wilde@Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde@Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
Oscar Wilde@True friends stab you in the front.
Oscar Wilde@The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.
Oscar Wilde@I am not young enough to know everything.
Oscar Wilde@I love acting. It is so much more real than life.
Oscar Wilde@I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
Oscar Wilde@In America, the President reigns for four years, and journalism governs for ever and ever.
Oscar Wilde@It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But it is better to be good than to be ugly.
Oscar Wilde@The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
Oscar Wilde@One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
Oscar Wilde@To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
Oscar Wilde@The play was a great success, but the audience was a disaster.
Oscar Wilde@The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
Oscar Wilde@The well-bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves.
Oscar Wilde@To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune... to lose both seems like carelessness.
Will Rogers@Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers@I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers@Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?
Will Rogers@Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
Will Rogers@Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
Will Rogers@Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers@Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Will Rogers@Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers@Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Will Rogers@An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
Will Rogers@I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers@On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
Will Rogers@I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.
Will Rogers@I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers@Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
Will Rogers@Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
Will Rogers@Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
Bob Hope@I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
Bob Hope@My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
Bob Hope@People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
Bob Hope@She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Bob Hope@You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope@I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope@I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
Bob Hope@The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
Bob Hope@A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope@Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Bob Hope@When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
Bob Hope@A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Bob Hope@I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
Bob Hope@If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
Bob Hope@There'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.
Bob Hope@When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
Bob Hope@I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
Bob Hope@If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
Bob Hope@If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
Groucho Marx@I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.
Groucho Marx@Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Groucho Marx@Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx@Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
Groucho Marx@Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Groucho Marx@Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
Groucho Marx@A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx@If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
Groucho Marx@Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Groucho Marx@Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
Groucho Marx@Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx@As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Groucho Marx@Blood's not thicker than money.
Groucho Marx@I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx@I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx@Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx@Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.
Groucho Marx@Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Groucho Marx@Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx@From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx@He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot
Groucho Marx@How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.
Groucho Marx@I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.
Groucho Marx@I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
Groucho Marx@I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.
Groucho Marx@I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Groucho Marx@I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
Groucho Marx@I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
Groucho Marx@I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Groucho Marx@I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx@I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it
Groucho Marx@If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Groucho Marx@I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me.
Groucho Marx@Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx@Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx@Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx@Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx@Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
Groucho Marx@Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.
Groucho Marx@Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx@Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Groucho Marx@Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Groucho Marx@Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Groucho Marx@Remember men, you are fighting for this lady's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
Groucho Marx@Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!
Groucho Marx@She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx@She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
Groucho Marx@There's only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.
Groucho Marx@There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!
Groucho Marx@Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Groucho Marx@Time wounds all heels.
Groucho Marx@The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Groucho Marx@We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next year.
Groucho Marx@Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin' eyes?
Groucho Marx@Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx@Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Groucho Marx@Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Groucho Marx@Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Groucho Marx@When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth".
Groucho Marx@Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.
Groucho Marx@We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
Groucho Marx@You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
Groucho Marx@You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Rodney Dangerfield@My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!
Rodney Dangerfield@If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield@When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield@A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield@I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield@With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
Rodney Dangerfield@I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield@I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Rodney Dangerfield@I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield@I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield@My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield@My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield@The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney Dangerfield@My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
WC Fields@Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch...
WC Fields@The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
WC Fields@I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know
WC Fields@Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar
WC Fields@Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
WC Fields@I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.
WC Fields@The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
WC Fields@Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.
WC Fields@(When asked : "How do you like children?") "Fried!"
WC Fields@My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies
WC Fields@Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
WC Fields@I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
WC Fields@(In a restaurant to waitress): "I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here."
WC Fields@If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
WC Fields@...more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
WC Fields@My father...one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.
WC Fields@Man: "I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time." WC: "A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy."
WC Fields@Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
WC Fields@(Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded:) "Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails." 
WC Fields@All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
WC Fields@Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
WC Fields@Charlie McCarthy: "Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?" WC: "He'd think I was a sissy."
WC Fields@I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
WC Fields@Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
WC Fields@Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
WC Fields@"Fields reloading!" (Fields' retort from his dressing room after a director had shouted, "Camera reloading!")
WC Fields@Hangman: "Have you any last wish?" WC: "Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die." (pause) "Philadelphia will do."
WC Fields@How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon--and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
WC Fields@I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
WC Fields@Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." WC: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible."
WC Fields@I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
WC Fields@I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
WC Fields@(Invited to play golf by someone he didn't like, Fields responded:) "When I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own."
WC Fields@What rascal has been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?
WC Fields@"I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad." 
WC Fields@Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
WC Fields@Water rusts pipes. (His reasoning for not drinking water)
Steven Wright@All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Steven Wright@I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright@How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Steven Wright@If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright@When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright@Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Steven Wright@Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Steven Wright@I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Steven Wright@Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Steven Wright@When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Steven Wright@What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Steven Wright@If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright@If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright@For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Steven Wright@To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright@I have a friend with a trophy wife, apparently it wasn't first place.
Dan Quayle@I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. 
Dan Quayle@I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future. 
Dan Quayle@People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. 
Dan Quayle@Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. 
Dan Quayle@The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make. 
Dan Quayle@The future will be better tomorrow. 
Dan Quayle@We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward. 
Dan Quayle@We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe. 
Dan Quayle@We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made. 
Dan Quayle@Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. 
Dan Quayle@What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. 
Dan Quayle@When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. 
Dan Quayle@[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system. 
Dan Quayle@Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. 
Dan Quayle@One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. 
Dan Quayle@Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it. 
Dan Quayle@I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. 
Dan Quayle@Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. 
Dan Quayle@Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year. 
Dan Quayle@The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. 
Dan Quayle@Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. 
Dan Quayle@We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. 
Dan Quayle@We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. 
Dan Quayle@For NASA, space is still a high priority. 
Dan Quayle@Public speaking is very easy. 
Dan Quayle@I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. 
Dan Quayle@If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure. 
Dan Quayle@It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
